Depression

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Depression is a topic I usually try to avoid.  I don’t know how people with no arms and no legs handle it, but I would imagine they tend to prefer never bringing it up as it’s something they have to deal with day in and day out anyway, so why compound it with conversation about it?

When I was still single digits in age I was diagnosed with Epilepsy.  I was placed on Depakote (spelling?) to try to offset it. Unfortunately, though, I started showing more and more of the side effects listed.  I believed this was the cause of this for most of my life.

One day in the 2000s, I forget when exactly, I was called to mom’s house by my sister. I drove over and asked what was going on and she said mom had gone outside in near freezing temperatures and hadn’t come back in.  Apparently she had seen me pull in because she was entering the back door as my sister was describing what was going on.

I asked mom why she was outside and she said “because I just wanted to feel something.” Everything inside me panicked because I had been battling depression for so long and holding it in for so many years I never expected to hear something I’ve thought countless times come out of my mom’s mouth.  Through the course of that evening, listening to her vent, I started realizing everything coming out of her was verbatim with what I had been fighting inside myself over the decade prior.

I talked to my sister some years later about that and she opened up, too.  Not sure if she was drunk, or what. She said a lot and that wasn’t very typical of her. And hers matched as well.  At one point I had analyzed a lot of information I had collected of my sister’s and my at the time 12 year old’s, and recognized these exact same patterns and thoughts existed in both.

Today I saw a post online – reflected here – that brought a lot of this back up above the surface. it’s always there, and i’m usually ignoring it and or dealing with it on one level or another. but to see something so blatantly ignorant on the topic hit me.  i try not to make it a habit to let facebook crap trigger stuff, but sometimes it’s unavoidable.

I’m going to try to do all I can to equip my newborn with everything she needs, including support, to deal with what seems to be clearly genetic. That’s all I’m comfortable with saying at this moment.  Sorry if your time feels wasted.  Was not the intent.

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