Can’t See Out Anymore

I don’t even know how to write this. I’ll paste this, and continue maybe.

Erik Smith
11 hrs 路 Instagram 路
Sometimes you have to accept a situation is fucked far beyond repair and you absolutely have to just give up. Hasta luego, I guess. 馃檨
first time taking that picture out of my wallet since i got it 10 years ago or so.

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2 Christa Smith and Catherine Schneider
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Will Major
Will Major Oh?
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Erik Smith
Erik Smith Yep. My fault I’m sure the story will go. So whatever.
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Will Major
Will Major Still clueless as to what that story is, but Okie doke.
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Erik Smith
Erik Smith I’ve been told “STOP” relating to fuck around shit on “my day” several times. Was pissing me off. Then the other day I was talking to one of her friends comparing notes on whatever topic, I can’t even remember. Then ash comes in and says stop again, adding “you’re 35 arguing with a 15 year old.” .. pissed me off. Conversation didn’t go well so I blocked her so I could cool down.

Heard she unfriended my sister from a distraught sister, and figured I better add her back since I calmed down. Well, then she dropped the old “you can’t keep coming in and out of my life like this.” Card because apparently even though she still had my phone number and herself took me of her Instagram, and it was the only time in three years we had any trouble at all (that I’m aware of) … Guess that warrants such a deep cutting comment. I disagree highly that it’s accurate. But she was steadfast that nope, fuck off.

So fuck it. I tried and failed miserably.

I don’t have much of a fuse to begin with and from observing her over the last couple years I have no hope at all so fuck it. At least she got a car out of the deal.

.. oh yeah, the moment i realized it was beyond hope was when jami was talking to me for just a few messages thismorning and said “yeah. she’s still mad, give her time.”

SHE’S still mad??: yeah. fuck it. like it was my fucking fault.聽same shit in that family every single time. it’s not ever any of their fault. ever. regardless of what that side does, it’s always the other people’s faults. always.
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that’s all i’ve been thinking most of the day. 聽SHE’S still mad? 聽SHE is still mad? 聽She started the shit. She made the comment that set it off. How the fuck is SHE the one that is still mad? I don’t even know what else to say. 聽Whole thing is fucked up. I wish I could just go back 3 years ago and just keep to my fucking self and not say shit.

Now I knew what it was like at least kind of knowing what was going on with her and it felt better than i could put into words than the 13 years before that. 聽well, 10 years before that. 2 or 3 of those first years i heard all the horrors we fucking knew was going to happen if she went to her family, happening, one stupid fucking drama thing after another, after another, after another, after another. 聽shit we didn’t want to put a kid in, but clearly had.

Fuck it. 聽Going back to drinking. 聽I can feel my face right now and that’s not good.

Multiple

– How Do I Care?

Your words ring hollow
Like nothing at all
Your mind looks shallow
Like a fucking cheap doll

I thought it was different
A better direction
But it isn’t pretty
A zitty complexion

I’ve been wrong before
But with things less important
I read you like a book
But I was seeing distortion

The mirror a fabrication
An image created within
How the fuck do I care?
I don’t know where to begin

I try to be positive
But find myself in fire
So how the fuck to care?
What exactly is required?

All I see is trash
Wrapped around skeletons
I want to see the flash
Endless megatons

Fuck all humanity
Even what’s inside of me
The cancer needs cut free
No one deserves to be

I used to hope
For the good I dared
Even against the ropes
Now I can’t fucking care
There’s nothing there
A dry socket
Launch the rockets
Melt the pain away

– Black At Noon

Back and forth
Glance at the screen
The mind a fire
Burning all I’ve seen

Back and forth
The sun up high
The air is still
The demons cry

Back and forth
The swing moves on
The child smiles
All hope is gone

Back and forth
To keep that joy
As hundreds die
The drones deploy

No sun I can see in the skies above
No life I can live or truth I can love
While I push my body to action for her
No shadows around as my life is a blur

All shapes are black and outlined in grey
Nothing has texture and night here as day
I wait for my pulse to stop so I can get away
My life already over but I still need to stay

Back and forth
a breeze comes through
she giggles and moves her hair aside
as i fake a smile and wait to die

– Dying Outward

the dark within
rotting up through the skin
making my heart slow down
and my mind speed up
while unable to give a fuck

i look around town, driving down
to pick up the next person
who might make me forget for a second
laughing and talking about the world
that i forget i am not interested in
while we laugh and move forward within

i try to slow the expansion
but my heart, soul, bones, all gone
no matter what i’ve done
my skin is eating away next
and i’ll finally have gone away
right in front of your eyes
and finally i’ll be over

the vibrating sounds
and deafening silence
march onward through time
as i flirt with crossing the line
from here to where there is nothing
to match my hopes and dreams
drown out these screams with explosions
disappear and leave few traces
that anyone will notice, anyway

all the things i want to complete
as my entire being gets eaten
one after another abandoned
and the rest left half finished
as i close books and bury bones
gave up on finding my way home
as dreams are realized as dreams
and reality is seen through the surface
a lie tied to a brick, at the bottom

it’s all in front of us
throughout our lives
while they point to the skies
as we’re pulled down by lies
hope drowns soon enough
and every time i give a fuck
the aids seeps in
and the destruction advances
my feet were in the water
now so far overhead
but i can’t seem to die

– Talking To The Dead

hello there
don’t fake a smile
your age shows around your eyes
i let out a deep sigh

i’m awake again.
the dream wasn’t any better
but if my heartbeat could have stopped
i could have gone to what’s next

but there you are
need to take a shower
maybe i’ll black out
crack my head open
bleed out on the floor

go grab the gun across the room
push it into your jaw, go boom
you are a cancer among the rest
departing any way would be best

just walk.
take a shovel.
you know remote desert a couple days away
just load the food to get you there
and bring your gun
let’s set out and have some fun

find a nice deep place
erase, erase, erase
don’t give them a bill, a corpse
let nature take its course
and erase, erase, erase

just leave a note
fuck you all
i hate the world
and i’m going
promise you’ll be dead this week
don’t come looking, it’s done, i’m gone

they’re all dead to me anyway
so much of the country i used to admire
may as well be swept away by fire
and maybe something better will grow
but there’s no hope to throw
in direction of unbelievable shit like that

food for the animals
let them eat well for a little while
assuming they find what’s left
after the bullets tear it apart
but it’s a start
no need to stay here
the future is clear
the end of a flushed toilet
sweeping us down the drain
into a river of piss
human life has come to this

i guess i’ll take a shower