Version 0.1 of the Fuckass Pondcast – every Sunday (or whenever the fuck I post shit) – begins now.
Version 0.1 of the Fuckass Pondcast – every Sunday (or whenever the fuck I post shit) – begins now.
After Descent, I wanted to write two more novels immediately.
The story of how exactly the civil war mentioned in Descent started. The following will be spoilers, because I”m sure eventually it will get written. But in case I die, I’m going to write the general story thought down here. Since it’s all completed history in my head, and it entertains me, I figure it deserves being jotted down, at least.
A seasoned sniper retired and spent a month getting into things he never had time for before. One of which being, the internet. He learned a lot about crazy shit people believe around the world, and more importantly to him, the country. In the military he had dealt with racism, being black, but when it came to it everybody was brothers. He had no clue how deep and insane it ran elsewhere.
A mix of these things he learned only fueled an ongoing discomfort with civilian life. The transition to total freedom and no longer being a support or assassination tool left him feeling like he was an action movie forever on pause. Living with static filled memories of who he was while staggering around the frail coating of civilization was leaving him emptied out.
Talking about this to connections in the military, he was introduced to the underground civilization that has a role in Descent. The first thing he thought during his introduction to them was how he could use the nearly instant transportation system running worldwide. Shortly after he learned that all human minds were open to those he was now getting to know.
More connections were made, but this time by those below with some others in the governments above. Information was shared about his fantasies about killing a lot of these “curses on america” he had found throughout the country.
He is given the chance to plan an assault on these people, killing one after another across the country, looking like they were all being taken out in a coordinated attack. The whole time, the reality being one guy was jumping around the country quickly, knocking off several a night.
The appearance of the government spending a lot of resources to coordinate attacks, killing people planning on fighting the government, as well as white supremacist and other separatist movements, is the ultimate spark of the revolution.
At this point the sniper has a field day picking off the revolutionaries during battles. He is called below as the nuclear war happens, then takes part in ongoing rescue efforts, locating and picking up people who didn’t make it below. One rescue attempt of which, his helicopter crashes and he’s deserted on the surface for long enough to be captured by the factions rising in power post-war. Amateurs in using torture to extract information, they accidentally kill him while trying to learn where people were being evacuated to.
This story is about one of the groups who take part in the revolution from the perspective of one of the lower soldiers. It starts with seeing the fellow who becomes a soldier graduating school, and learning about his twisted perspectives. It follows him through learning about conspiracy theories that are then confirmed by people across the country being murdered by sniper attacks.
He ends up joining a militia that trains him for several weeks before other militias jave already risen up. Their militia launch various assaults on government facilities before the nuclear war happens. He and a friend are the only of his group who survive the nuclear war.
He becomes a leader of one of the groups fighting for power after the war thanks to one of the few living who knows of a location of arms and tons of rations. As things settle and he becomes an unrivaled power, helicopters move in and as people try to figure out what is going on, he takes a well aimed sniper shot to the head, ending the book (guess who the sniper is.)
I have a lot less of Rise written and fleshed out than I have for Scope. But I know it all in my head, it’s just not as exciting to me as Scope.
When my first kid’s mother got pregnant, this is the direction the conversation went.
Little did she know, I had been calling around talking to adoption agencies and figuring out what the process should be. But that didn’t matter. She spent a weekend over at her family’s main house (I say main because that’s where her mom, sister and several other people lived, with another branch of family just down the street.) From what she told me, they essentially took turns guilt tripping her into giving the kid to them. “You can’t give away blood!”
I asked if I had any say in it, if there was anything I could say short of failing at trying to take legal action? No, the decision was made. I had no say in it.
I wanted to get the kid some place that was healthy. Some place where she could have a good shot at a stable environment with a family that had their shit together. Not the same shit the mother and I had dealt with growing up. That’s the goal, isn’t it? Always wanting the best for your kid, better than you had? We couldn’t give it. Our families sure as fuck couldn’t give it.
So the day came, I got to cut the cord, and watched the kid go home with her parents. Why didn’t I stop it? It never changed, we didn’t want to have a kid. I sure as hell wasn’t mature enough to deal with one effectively. The mother was, but I sure wasn’t. Was it all my fault and she wanted it but wanted me and tried keeping both by giving it to her family? I don’t know. All I know is what I was told.
Either way, the following months and years were filled with weekly to daily stories of what was going on with her family. All the shit we guessed would happen while the kid was there, sure enough. they happened. All the shit that had gone on, kept going on. All the shit we saw coming, for the most part, came. And the whole time, every single time, every word, all I could think about was I had a part in a baby / toddler growing up in that fucking environment.
So I distanced more and more. The relationship started with me being distant. So I don’t know how long it took her to notice. But by the end I was on another planet. And end it did. It ended several months before the lease was up. And apparently I left her a horrible letter about I was only with her so I had a place to stay which I have absolutely no memory of. I know I was having a horrible time dealing with how to handle the kid situation. I know I resented her more and more for it every single time she told me horrible situations going on where the kid was being raised.
I wasn’t involved at all from the moment the kid was born because I refused to go in half ass. I wasn’t about to be a weekend dad. I wasn’t going to be a partial custody person. I know how shitty it is jumping back and forth between where you live and who’s in charge and what rules to follow and everything in between. What I chose to do was just stay away 100%. But, again, the relationship ended and we moved in opposite directions. Her in with her family and the kid (which may have been a much better thing for stability) – and me in with a work friend for a bit. And when I moved out, it seems like five years passed in but a moment.
I had ended up getting a car shortly after that I knew would be paid off and getting up in the 60-80k miles range about the time the kid would be turning 14. I was still keeping in touch with the mother. I told her I planned to give the car to her when it was time to get a new car. I figured I would get a new car once this one started needing a bunch of maintenance. I’ve done the whole driving while watching ahead to plan where all i can pull off if my car stops working. It’s not fun. As long as I can afford to, I’m not doing that again.
When the kid turned 13, I decided after various discussions with the mother, that I would reach out and see if she wanted to connect on social media and the like. Get to know each other. Something my dad never did for me. I’ve never met my dad, I don’t remember his name anymore besides Ed. I know he went by Ed but I believe his name was Richard? Who knows. Anyway, I know how teenage years go and how my brain is, how my mom’s brain is, how my sister’s brain is. So it is safe to say her brain is like that too. And I learned later, it is.
I was going to decide for myself if I was going to follow through with giving her the car. I had a job where I could easily afford to buy a new car and make the payments. I was married to somebody else in a stable relationship. The only thing I wasn’t sure about is if the kid was remotely responsible enough to actually deserve being given a car. I wanted to establish that and make the decision for myself before I pulled the trigger.
Five or six months in, I realized I think this 13 year old is as mature as I was at 20-25. I’ve always been behind the curve on ACTING mature and being responsible. It took me moving out to start learning about actual responsibility. She seemed to be ahead of me on multiple fronts. Certainly for that age, far far ahead of me.
So I pulled the trigger. I started getting some of the mid-life work done on the car so they didn’t have to. Then the wife informed me she wanted to have a kid. Apparently at some point in the years prior, I had commented if I didn’t have a kid before I was 35, I was never going to. And I was closing in on it rapidly. I still never wanted a kid. I think this earth is a fucked up place and humans are nothing but cancer, overall. And I don’t want to put any more people on this earth to have to deal with it.
I was struggling with free time as it was at that point. And a kid would slash that free time drastically down. With that I was struggling with depression, and that dramatically increased with this new stress. But I had already made the decision to get the car to my existing kid. Plus, if I was a stay at home dad, I wouldn’t really need a car as much because I wouldn’t have a job to shuttle back and forth to. She made about ten dollars more an hour than I did, so it was natural that I would be the stay at home dad since day care is so expensive that I would only make a bit more than day care would cost.
But, I did it anyway. New kid already arrived, took my car to my existing kid, everything seemed well. There’s a lot more to it, but this is why I’m writing this fresh here instead of copying and pasting the existing to cut out 3/4 of the volume (actually a lot more than that.)
I’m not very capable of censoring myself. So shit I post on social media is quite unfiltered. I don’t hold much back. And I had two facebook accounts for years. One was my personal one where I was myself. The other was my public one which work places knew about. I gave her the choice and informed her of what either were. She wanted to stay on the one where I was myself. I think that was a big mistake, in the end.
Over the previous few months before writing this post, she had reacted to some of the things i shared with comments like “STOP” and the like. I can’t even remember what the posts were about. Some of them weren’t that bad at all (by my twisted standards.)
Then one day, I was having a disagreement comparing notes on something (I honestly can’t remember the topic now) in comments with one of her friendsand after a couple dozen comments (I don’t remember how many times we had gone back and forth talking about the subject) – the daughter jumps on and comments something like “you’re a 35 year old man arguing with a 15 year old on the internet. stop.”
That pissed me off on multiple levels. So, I can only comment on something if it’s positive and not interact with anybody who disagrees? So many questions. So I talked to her in private messages (the daughter.) Among the points was my being annoyed by her telling me to stop various things for no reason at all. It didn’t go well. I wasn’t pissed off, much less annoyed, much less arguing with anybody until she said that. Then i was pissed. And it boiled down almost immediately to her only responding with “okay.” and then when “I’m not going to argue with you about this” came out of her, I lost my shit. So you can just say shit and not talk about it? Really?
I knew I had to step away. I felt like I was nothing but a dark force in her life from the DNA level all the way to being a bad example on social media. So I blocked her until I could calm down and figure out how to be more patient with her.
Few days passed and I had been talking to her mom off and on. I was debating on how long I should chill before unblocking her and talking to her again, when my sister messaged me asking why she was unfriended by the daughter. I looked and my new kid’s account had been unfriended also. I didn’t know how to react to that. The only thing I could think was try to do damage control.
I sent her a friend request and she messaged me something about it not being healthy to come in and out of her life like this. What? It’s been a few days. She had my phone number. I just blocked her on social media for a bit after a stupid fight. We talked a bit and she made it clear that no, she wasn’t interested. I could find out what’s going on with her through her mom.
I had been asking her mom how she was doing but the answers were always pretty much one sentence. I liked it a hell of a lot more before when I could see what was going on in her life by all the stuff she was posting each day. It wasn’t as good as being there, but it was at least an open window in. I was checking her profiles to see what was going on at least 2-3 times a day.
She had told me at one point during the argument I said “fuck you.” which was not in my chat logs and I don’t believe I would have said that in those words. Certainly I essentially said fuck you in other words because jumping into a conversation out of nowhere with “you’re 35 arguing with a 15 year old on the internet.” definitely deserves a fuck you. Especially when there was no argument (not from my end, anyway.) She wanted me to apologize for blocking her I think? but I wouldn’t, because it was for the best so I could shut up and calm down. And I wanted her to apologize for telling me to stop posting whatever, which she claimed was her joking around (which makes no sense at all.)
So that’s it. Apparently when I disowned my own mother some years back I should have cut off contact with my half sister?? According to the daughter’s actions. It makes no sense to me. Some friends tell me to just chill and wait a few months or years and she’ll come around. Will she? I don’t know. This planet and all the huimans on it are fucked up and I have no hope at all for any of it to get better. Sure, some people live great lives and think the world is an awesome place but I envy their ability to overlook pretty much everything going on around them and around the world.
I see a number of people visit Textual Reverence on the regular. I have been writing a lot but have neglected posting it there. I should remedy that today.
My apologies, if you are seeing this here.
I don’t even know how to write this. I’ll paste this, and continue maybe.
11 hrs · Instagram ·
Sometimes you have to accept a situation is fucked far beyond repair and you absolutely have to just give up. Hasta luego, I guess. 🙁
first time taking that picture out of my wallet since i got it 10 years ago or so.
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2 Christa Smith and Catherine Schneider
Will Major Oh?
LikeShow more reactions · Reply · 11 hrs
Erik Smith Yep. My fault I’m sure the story will go. So whatever.
LikeShow more reactions · Reply · 10 hrs · Edited
Will Major Still clueless as to what that story is, but Okie doke.
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Erik Smith I’ve been told “STOP” relating to fuck around shit on “my day” several times. Was pissing me off. Then the other day I was talking to one of her friends comparing notes on whatever topic, I can’t even remember. Then ash comes in and says stop again, adding “you’re 35 arguing with a 15 year old.” .. pissed me off. Conversation didn’t go well so I blocked her so I could cool down.
Heard she unfriended my sister from a distraught sister, and figured I better add her back since I calmed down. Well, then she dropped the old “you can’t keep coming in and out of my life like this.” Card because apparently even though she still had my phone number and herself took me of her Instagram, and it was the only time in three years we had any trouble at all (that I’m aware of) … Guess that warrants such a deep cutting comment. I disagree highly that it’s accurate. But she was steadfast that nope, fuck off.
So fuck it. I tried and failed miserably.
I don’t have much of a fuse to begin with and from observing her over the last couple years I have no hope at all so fuck it. At least she got a car out of the deal.
.. oh yeah, the moment i realized it was beyond hope was when jami was talking to me for just a few messages thismorning and said “yeah. she’s still mad, give her time.”
SHE’S still mad??: yeah. fuck it. like it was my fucking fault. same shit in that family every single time. it’s not ever any of their fault. ever. regardless of what that side does, it’s always the other people’s faults. always.
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that’s all i’ve been thinking most of the day. SHE’S still mad? SHE is still mad? She started the shit. She made the comment that set it off. How the fuck is SHE the one that is still mad? I don’t even know what else to say. Whole thing is fucked up. I wish I could just go back 3 years ago and just keep to my fucking self and not say shit.
Now I knew what it was like at least kind of knowing what was going on with her and it felt better than i could put into words than the 13 years before that. well, 10 years before that. 2 or 3 of those first years i heard all the horrors we fucking knew was going to happen if she went to her family, happening, one stupid fucking drama thing after another, after another, after another, after another. shit we didn’t want to put a kid in, but clearly had.
Fuck it. Going back to drinking. I can feel my face right now and that’s not good.
– How Do I Care?
Your words ring hollow
Like nothing at all
Your mind looks shallow
Like a fucking cheap doll
I thought it was different
A better direction
But it isn’t pretty
A zitty complexion
I’ve been wrong before
But with things less important
I read you like a book
But I was seeing distortion
The mirror a fabrication
An image created within
How the fuck do I care?
I don’t know where to begin
I try to be positive
But find myself in fire
So how the fuck to care?
What exactly is required?
All I see is trash
Wrapped around skeletons
I want to see the flash
Fuck all humanity
Even what’s inside of me
The cancer needs cut free
No one deserves to be
I used to hope
For the good I dared
Even against the ropes
Now I can’t fucking care
There’s nothing there
A dry socket
Launch the rockets
Melt the pain away
– Black At Noon
Back and forth
Glance at the screen
The mind a fire
Burning all I’ve seen
Back and forth
The sun up high
The air is still
The demons cry
Back and forth
The swing moves on
The child smiles
All hope is gone
Back and forth
To keep that joy
As hundreds die
The drones deploy
No sun I can see in the skies above
No life I can live or truth I can love
While I push my body to action for her
No shadows around as my life is a blur
All shapes are black and outlined in grey
Nothing has texture and night here as day
I wait for my pulse to stop so I can get away
My life already over but I still need to stay
Back and forth
a breeze comes through
she giggles and moves her hair aside
as i fake a smile and wait to die
– Dying Outward
the dark within
rotting up through the skin
making my heart slow down
and my mind speed up
while unable to give a fuck
i look around town, driving down
to pick up the next person
who might make me forget for a second
laughing and talking about the world
that i forget i am not interested in
while we laugh and move forward within
i try to slow the expansion
but my heart, soul, bones, all gone
no matter what i’ve done
my skin is eating away next
and i’ll finally have gone away
right in front of your eyes
and finally i’ll be over
the vibrating sounds
and deafening silence
march onward through time
as i flirt with crossing the line
from here to where there is nothing
to match my hopes and dreams
drown out these screams with explosions
disappear and leave few traces
that anyone will notice, anyway
all the things i want to complete
as my entire being gets eaten
one after another abandoned
and the rest left half finished
as i close books and bury bones
gave up on finding my way home
as dreams are realized as dreams
and reality is seen through the surface
a lie tied to a brick, at the bottom
it’s all in front of us
throughout our lives
while they point to the skies
as we’re pulled down by lies
hope drowns soon enough
and every time i give a fuck
the aids seeps in
and the destruction advances
my feet were in the water
now so far overhead
but i can’t seem to die
– Talking To The Dead
don’t fake a smile
your age shows around your eyes
i let out a deep sigh
i’m awake again.
the dream wasn’t any better
but if my heartbeat could have stopped
i could have gone to what’s next
but there you are
need to take a shower
maybe i’ll black out
crack my head open
bleed out on the floor
go grab the gun across the room
push it into your jaw, go boom
you are a cancer among the rest
departing any way would be best
take a shovel.
you know remote desert a couple days away
just load the food to get you there
and bring your gun
let’s set out and have some fun
find a nice deep place
erase, erase, erase
don’t give them a bill, a corpse
let nature take its course
and erase, erase, erase
just leave a note
fuck you all
i hate the world
and i’m going
promise you’ll be dead this week
don’t come looking, it’s done, i’m gone
they’re all dead to me anyway
so much of the country i used to admire
may as well be swept away by fire
and maybe something better will grow
but there’s no hope to throw
in direction of unbelievable shit like that
food for the animals
let them eat well for a little while
assuming they find what’s left
after the bullets tear it apart
but it’s a start
no need to stay here
the future is clear
the end of a flushed toilet
sweeping us down the drain
into a river of piss
human life has come to this
i guess i’ll take a shower
I never expected to live to thirty-five
I anticipated death with bleeding eyes
Cold and alone while none realized
Nobody remembering me to eulogize
Every year beyond that a free play
While self-hate within a stowaway
My brain churns in radioactive decay
Ignoring I feel I’ve overstayed
I watch from the outside
As inside I feel the backslide
I’ve never once felt qualified
Regardless of victories identified
Everything I finish I find total shit
All praise I see as counterfeit
I see all compliments fully unfit
Though feigned acceptance I emit
A surprise addition to the equation
Gives me forward moving persuasion
A truly compelling dissuasion
A seriously unbelievable occasion
But none of that seems to have mattered
My soul still longs to be shattered
My blood still hopes to be splattered
Regardless of the pitter-patter
I focus on wearing my mask
While quietly killing my flask
Trying to succeed in each task
Doing whatever it is they ask
this infinite machine inside of me
fucking everything thoroughly
no matter who i try to be
it rages on destructively
I need and bleed and read and plead
but total shit keeps flooding me
it clogs my mind and wrecks my soul
it drains my heat and leaves me cold
in times of desperation
my pistol looks delicious
in times of abjuration
my hope becomes fictitious
all traces of progress gone
i’m back in initial footprints
it’s the same thing
the same thing
the same thing
the same thing
nothing new to bring
nobody has anything new
it’s all been done that was to do
and now they’re following you
you can not grasp you’re deeply screwed
but we still have to try
when the well runs dry
we start the fire anyway
and the dust bowl begins
same as it always has
with cell phones and group homes
as it will always be
infinite debt and mechanical loans
ashes in the soil
a heart full of hope
life up through a coil
a neck squeezed by rope
kill them all for food
death must fuel the living
rise above the good
win the duel, keep moving
the millions spoiled
for the glory of a few
the workers toiled
for the comfortable you
for one to win many must lose
destroy them all for that revenue
the terrors for that phone you use
squeeze in the alleys to open the avenue
gather the roast
murder the slaves
let’s have a toast
reuse their graves
take their heirlooms
melt them for gold plating
empty out their rooms
we need space for ice skating
destroy the last
pour the blood in
whitewash the past
as the tires spin
it’s all you can eat
throw scraps at your feet
the yacht is my treat
our lackeys we beat
evict all the families
for vacation facilities
disregard the casualties
cut off their utilities
from their pain our pleasure rises
they should have had backup jobs
they don’t need tvs in bigger sizes
those pathetic lazy slobs
let us light up a cigar
and wave at them from afar
as they faint from fatigue
at least we made them leave