Pick a fight, then call incel for fighting.

Tosha Hawkins Bill is much worse. Poor hills


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Quinton Effin Beaudry Fuck, you made me envision something worse than dying of fire..


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Erik Smith Imagine those two evil dicks fucking .. Jesus


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Dennise Garcia Tosha Hawkins he totally is. You鈥檇 think with all that money he could buy a new face with smooth, non blotchy, nongrowthy-like skin. Eeeughhhhhhh


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Tosha Hawkins Dennise Garcia id SOOO rather fuck hill over him. He鈥檚 vomit inducing


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Tosha Hawkins Erik Smith fu king Jesus?鈥 Omg that鈥檚 so deranged


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Erik Smith Tosha Hawkins her war hawk homophobic nature turns me off at least as much as his predator nature


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Tosha Hawkins Erik Smith he had an affair. Grow the fuck up. Fucking idiot.


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Erik Smith Tosha Hawkins ……………… Yeah he’s a piece of shit. I’m not defending him. What the fuck is wrong with you


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Tosha Hawkins Erik Smith he鈥檚 not a predator. He had an affair.. why is that so hard for you to comprehend? Are you daft?


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Erik Smith Tosha Hawkins ……. Oh. So you don’t know about Lolita air?

…….. Pizzagate is bullshit. Lolita air is well known and logged. Only reason I’m entertaining this from you is I respect Crystal.


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Tosha Hawkins Erik Smith wtf does crystal have to do with anything?! Lmao. Go fuck yourself 馃榿 
I鈥檓 not a fan of the Clinton鈥檚-but he鈥檚 not a predator for having an affair. 馃檮


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Erik Smith Tosha Hawkins he’s a predator for fucking underage girls. Look up lolita air.


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Tosha Hawkins Erik Smith I LOVE FB fights with incels! Sweet.


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Erik Smith And go fuck yourself, too. Extending you kindness in return to your rude fucking bullshit because I like her and you two are friends.

How about just go fuck yourself, ignorant bitch ass cunt.


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Erik Smith How’s that, is that what you wanted? Christ.


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All Things Under

This one has stuck with me for a few days so I better get it out of my head.


There was a whole first half of the dream, filled with drama and craziness revolving around previous family and unknown variables. I vaguely remember having to drive somebody back and out of a house with a pistol. I remember a solid ally during all of it became a friend. The first half was probably from when I first fell asleep until Lily woke me up in the middle of the night.  Everything that follows happened between falling back asleep and getting up for work.


When the second half started, I was standing outside of an office building, next to a parking lot. The ally from the first half came out and approached me. She asked if I wanted to get away from the craziness “up here” (which didn’t make sense to me at the time) and go with her on a “research project.” I agreed. I recall thinking, there’s nothing more I can do with the drama from earlier, and I have almost no hours at work so if I get fired I won’t care.

I got in the passenger side of her little car, nearby in the parking lot, and we drove off. She was explaining we would have to take a short plane trip to a platform, and from the platform, we would leave to the project.  I had no problem with it because I was just along for the ride. I hadn’t been on a plane in a few years so I was excited for that part alone.

We talked a lot and compared notes about the drama and projected where we thought it all might end up months down the road. As we were talking I started wondering how big a platform in the ocean would have to be for a plane to land on it. We pulled into a small airport off the coast and eventually boarded a very small personal jet.

Inside the jet, there were only a half-dozen seats and almost entirely open area to wander around. It was roughly the size of a short school bus internally. We sat down across from each other near the front and finished the conversation involving my mother probably killing herself before too much longer and the plane was already in the air. I looked out of the window and saw nothing but ocean.

On a side note, regarding family in this dream: We all lived in northern California in this dream and I recall it being a strange grouping of my mother, sister, some guy she was with I have no memory of (and we were all 8 years older or so) – Ashlee, Jami, Jami’s son, her sister, and a couple other people I have no idea who they were. 


As the plane started to descend I looked out to see what looked like a rather octagon shaped landform coming up ahead. I don’t remember the woman’s name I made friends with through the whole ordeal. She was probably in her mid-30s, as I was in my late 40s in this dream. She had mid shoulder length brown hair, an oval face, and a rather unremarkable stature and figure about her. However, her personality was calm, measured, understanding and firm when needed. I was down to about 200lbs in weight and had a totally shaved head. 

The ocean was getting closer beneath us as she started to take a very serious, business-like tone. I looked out the window again and the landform I saw was a massive platform with oil rigs jutting out of the perimeter, a few dozen buildings strewn about the center and a landing strip down one side, towards which we were approaching. I pulled out my phone (which looked a lot like the new edgeless phones but had no indent at the top, but still had a camera behind the screen somehow. was as big as the phablets are these days.) I looked at something and she commented we won’t be taking our phones.  I sent a text to a friend (I have no idea who they were, in the current day) – and handed it to her. She took our phones and our things and put them in a side compartment towards the back of the plane.

We landed and exited the plane near a utility shed appearing structure.  A door on the side rolled up and a small grey convertible pulled out in front of us.  The driver looked like a mechanic in overalls and didn’t make eye contact.  He nodded and walked back into the utility shed.  She got in the driver’s seat and I ran around and got in the passenger.  She started telling me to stay with her and that we were going to enter a section of the “platform” that was off limits to the oil workers. I remember thinking, how did I not know any huge structures on the ocean as this one existed.

We drove down the side of the runway and turned onto a narrow two-lane road which connected to a small street grid system. I remember looking around at the small buildings feeling like I was in some miniature town that shouldn’t exist. We approached a large walled off section.  I remember wondering if it was real cobblestone or what. The walls looked like 15-foot tall cobblestone, with some large heavy wooden gates from time to time every couple blocks. 

We turned into a small driveway in front of one of the gates and parked for a moment before the gate DESCENDED into the ground, instead of opening inward or outward, like it appeared to be designed to do. We drove over the top of it and it rose up behind us. I was too busy trying to figure out the logistics of what I was seeing, structurally, and how much support there must be going between all these structures and the ocean floor – and was wondering if there could possibly be some sort of floatation system with just anchors holding it all in place?  It is the ocean and all. 

All of that was going through my head and I don’t really remember between the gate and the interior of a large building she drove into.  It was like a warehouse on the half we were in with three floors of offices on the other.  The offices had windows looking into the warehouse but there was nothing of interest I could see.  Crates, and no cobwebs.  It was kind of surreal.

I followed her into the offices and through a couple hallways.  She looked at me and smiled. It was the first time I remember seeing her smile that genuinely in the entire dream. I gave her a quizzical look.  She said “you’re going to find this interesting,” before leading me through a strong door she unlocked by putting her wrist up to a metal plate.

On the other side of the door was an unremarkable light grey painted room. There were a couple couches on either side from where we entered.  Across the room was an elevator door. She walked over and put her wrist up to a plate next to the up arrow.  I heard a light hum and the doors opened. We walked in and as the doors closed she started smiling again. 

The elevator started descending rapidly. If you’ve ever been in a skyscraper with a really fast elevator, it felt exactly like that.  I started getting entirely too nervous, considering the security we went through to get to the elevator. As if there was going to be any crushing water or drowning coming up. 

The elevator opened and there was but a small room that was open on one side to a cave with a metal beam in the middle.  It stretched down and curved out of sight into the cave. After a few moments what looked like a miniature windowless subway car sped into view from the cave. A door slid open and she gestured for me to follow. At this point, I had no idea what to expect and had too many questions to know if or what to ask. 

We got in the little metal subway car, and it had maybe twenty seats in it. Two on each side of the little aisle and perhaps eight or twelve seats deep. We sat near the front and she started talking about how where we’re going is “stuck in the past” and how I should be careful what I mention. I nodded and imagined we were going to be around people like when I would visit places like Arkansas. Sure, they have modern stuff but it might as well be 1950 for what everybody knows and does for fun. 

The door on the side opened again and I remember panicking like, shit is it broken? I got up and followed her and we stepped out onto a platform.  Ahead and behind the little metal car, the track disappeared into the darkness. The little platform was attached to what reminded me of old industrial structures that had the steel grid walkways above work areas, and winding around the outside of buildings to access different areas. Opposite from the rail car across the platform was what looked like the wall of a building and a single door. no windows. it was very dark and I couldn’t make out anything but darkness through the grid below. 

“Scared of heights?” she asked at the moment I was starting to freak out about how far down it was below me. I said yes, and we made our way through the door. Opposite the door, it did indeed feel like we went back in time. But it was a musty, strange setting. It felt like what I imagine it would have felt like in the sewers where the people had made a home in Demolition Man. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t clean or modern. 

We started walking around what could be described as alleys. It wasn’t as wide as a street, but it wasn’t as narrow as a tiny space between buildings.  On either side were concrete walls and the ground was concrete.  Well, could have just been stone.  There were no seams really. Not in this area. 

It felt like a half hour walking around these areas, with various people wearing not rags, but not really typical clothes, either, scurrying around talking amongst themselves. There was water dripping, pooling, and flowing in small amounts all over the place. It really gave it a general alley feel, per what you expect from older movies about whatever. Sorry, getting tired and didn’t realize I remembered this much detail until I started typing.

We ended up going into some of the buildings? whatever, off the sides through doors, of the alleys.  Not sure if it was alleys or just tunnels or what. But we ended up in a large circular area. The top was the widest with quite a wide walkway.  On the outside of the walkway were rooms and stores, some dwellings.  At the top, you could see all the way across to the other side.  The center was a few stories lower, and I don’t remember ever seeing the bottom of it.  The few levels between there and the top, there were various … It kind of seemed like huts? well, there were walls, and leather or tarp or whatever, based on the building, at differing angles.  It obstructed the view seeing further down as they were staggered around.  But in them were different unique dwellings or places to buy specific foods or crafts.  Some had people sitting inside on small chairs talking and joking around.  It didn’t make all that much sense to me. 

She told me about the history of the people, and how they all ended up settling here. From what I understand, the culture has lived underground undisturbed for thousands of years. There was a strange luminescence at the top of the circular area that seemed like the ceiling was some sort of transparent stone or crystal that glowed with I have no idea what or how but it almost lent a night sky through a smoked and heavily cracked glass to it. 

As we walked around I started noticing some of the dwellings on the side of the top ring were rather large and elegant compared to everything else. One of these I was told belonged to the person who I took to be a leader? creator? ruler? over everything. I can’t remember the face of the person at all but they were a good eight inches taller than I, and very slender. They had dark hair and very fair skin. Actually, everybody had dark hair of varying lengths, male and female, and very light skin.  I guess it makes sense, as everybody was underground.

I feel like days passed while we were down there.  I remember campfires (indoors, never really noticed smoke, I have no idea.) – I remember sleeping in sleeping bags. And I remember picking up on commotion and unease in those around me in some areas. 

The women who had Allied with me ended up spending more time away from me doing other things and I spent more time with a very very thin person named Amelia. We bonded over the love of music.  She played me a lot of music she had collected and it all reminded me of Ambient soundscapes like Coil would make.  But a lot of beautiful sound layers I couldn’t begin to explain. 

A couple people I had been introduced to that I noticed were suddenly in a panic, I just never saw again. I think about this time it had been a good week down there.  I woke up and Amelia was in a panic and asked me to come with her.  I went with her and she said the person I had allied with was in trouble and she wanted me to help her find her.  So I went with Amelia and the place we went searching through felt like a sprawling warehouse that was only about 10 feet tall but had a lot of open areas and segmented rooms that were very mazelike.  All the rooms and areas had different functions relating to laundering and dry cleaning.  I remember we entered from the 2nd level from the top on the outside, and it went outward from there. 

Every room was lit at a late dusk level where you could clearly see everything but it was dark.  I never understood the ambient lighting and after a couple days didn’t even notice it anymore. With the campfires and light bulbs around, It seemed to render it moot anyway.  The light bulbs, strangely enough, looked like the clear incandescent bulbs but what they were screwed into always seemed to just be something attached to string hanging, or maybe lamps? or just into the walls?  again, none of it made sense but it wasn’t as interesting as the stories and music I was being exposed to.

Anyhow, back to the search.  We did end up lucking into the ally’s clothes hung up on a string going from I guess a cleaning area to a place to be processed. Amelia freaked out and took my hand and drug me quickly into a somehow closet feeling room that looked like the rest, but … I don’t know. Closet/storage.

She explained that people disappear all the time, but they just appear again later as nothing happened.  Only, when it is an outsider like my ally and myself, they’re never seen again.  Just the people they’ve lived and worked with loved, known their entire lives. Something will happen, a fight, or a disaster or fire or something like that – but they would appear again later as if the prior was a dream.

I started feeling a lot of dread creep up as she lead me to a much wider and longer room.  In the center of this room, was a large 45-degree angle downward in a rectangle.  In the middle was what looked like a large cast-iron kiln. It was eight or ten feet wide and twenty or so feet long. It was about five feet deep and had a mechanical top that would fold open or closed. She mumbled something about it being forbidden and lead me away quickly.

I don’t remember much between that and waking up in a little cot in one of the many hut-like structures on the 3rd level down. I woke up to, oh yeah, I guess I did see the middle area – I woke up to what sounded like a lot of fighting.  Amelia came and grabbed me and took me to a different hut where they all had what looked like pipe rifles from fallout. or makeshift guns from pick your post-apocalyptic adventure.

It wasn’t like a normal gun, it didn’t have a trigger I recognized and I wasn’t shown how to use it.  I overheard a lot of shushed conversation about where they were going and the plan they were going to put in motion to end the “torture and bloodshed” forever. I followed a couple guys with Amelia, running through tents out to the edge of the center area.  It reminded me of play areas in old malls.  There was a low center area that was mostly straight from one side to the other, and narrow.  It had a lot of raised areas a couple feet high, all looked padded and or carpeted.  Some sections had a wall that went up with a fence around the highest parts of the ??play area?? haha. But it was definitely not a play area. People were fist fighting and behind one of the higher fenced edge was the leader?mayor?whatever. He was yelling and pointing at people below. Every time he pointed, a couple darkly uniformed people would run off from behind him and go attack or stab or zap????? lots of shit was going on.  .. they would attack or kill or drag away the people that he had pointed at.

I rushed into and across the ??play area??? hahaha… and went into a narrow path on the other side up and out, a combination of a foot or two tall steps/ledges, and 45-degree ramps, up to the other side. I could imagine it would definitely be a play area for kids to fuck around in while whatever was going on all around them in the rest of the area.

I found myself standing next to one of the guys who was arming himself earlier as I watched Amelia get run through with some sort of spear. I remember freaking out and darting off on my own.  All I wanted to do was get out of there. My ally seemed to be dead as she was never seen again and she had told me outsiders never came back. And at that time, running through the darkest shadows I could find, outward – it occurred to me that the tone of amelia’s voice when she told me outsiders were never seen again like the people who lived here, it sounded like she was preparing to give me bad news about my ally.

I found my way to the entrance to what I took to be a lot of rooms chained around used for laundry of some sort. It was the only place I could remember there was an almost infinite number of randomly placed bunches of clothing and hanging bags and all sorts of shit I could duck and hide behind if anybody came through. I remember a distinct lack of shadows in the area too, even though the ambient light I would assume should cast some.

I definitely wasn’t looking for it but I found the room with the kiln looking thing in the middle.  This time, though, the top was open and a group of twelve to fifteen people were slowly walking from the far side of it to a doorway across the room. I froze in place, because they were all naked, and walking at the same pace fairly close together.   They all walked through the door on the far side and I felt a deep urge to investigate this forbidden … whatever it was.

There was a walkway across the 45-degree angle going down to the base of it, on the far side where the people came from.  I walked across it and looked into the kiln looking thing. 

It was full of what looked like jet black colored slushee. only it had no temperature at all. I instinctively thrust my hand into it, and it was definitely thick and wet, but it left nothing on my hand when I pulled it back out and slushed down to a flat motionless surface almost immediately. I heard a noise behind me near where they all passed out of this area through the door and jumped. Into the black shit.

I swiveled around to look back towards the door as I lost my footing, well, it didn’t feel like my feet ever actually touched anything. I glanced back towards the door they walked through and saw nothing anywhere.  I fell entirely into the black substance but felt my hand land on a top edge of the kiln, or whatever the hell it was.

As if the substance made me weightless I pulled myself up and flung myself over the edge of it, laying on my stomach hanging over one edge with my legs mostly still in it behind me.  While I was in it my entire body tingled like the feeling when you put your tongue against a fully charged 9 volt battery. It felt like that, everywhere, plus a warm energy I can only liken to that first moment most of your body feels comfortably hot sunlight at once, after being cold and indoors for what seems like an eternity. Mix with all of that, a light burn… that felt like a thousandth of the pain of rubbing alcohol hitting an open cut.  but everywhere. All of that combined was what it was like for every bit of my skin that touched that black substance.

i pulled myself over the edge of the kiln thing, and fell down onto the bottom of the floor on the outside of it.  I looked myself over, panicking and not knowing what had just happened to me.  my skin was glossy smooth and I had no hair on me anywhere, anymore. My clothes were gone and it wasn’t htat my skin was raw. but it was just glossy smooth and I didn’t understand what was going on at all.  I heard a noise again in the direction of that door so I scurried up the 45 degree angled floor away from the kiln or whatever the mother fuck it was, back out the door I entered through and found a large rolling cart to jump in and hide under cloth or rags or whatever, blankets? inside it.

I woke up and had no idea how long I was asleep and distinctly remember becoming aware I also had no eyebrows or eyelashes. I moved aside the rags on top of me and looked out over the edge of the cart and realized it was in a fully different position and different room than it was before I blacked out.

I climbed out, fully naked, hairless and gloss photo smooth, and tried to find clothes or anything I could put on to use as clothes. It took a while because most everybody down there, male and female alike, are very skinny. Thankfully though some were my size, which to them is fat, but to my 30s is almost skinny. 

I tried to very casually walk around until I figured out how to get somewhere closer to the large central area. I wanted to at least know if anything was still going on. 

“There you are, what are you doing?” I heard Amelia say. I turned around and she was entering the room I was in from the far side, pushing what looked like a rack with a lot of blankets hanging down from the center of it.

“What the fuck?” I mumbled.

“That’s what I would say too, what happened to your skin?” she asked seeming intensely worried. She abandoned the cart she was pushing and rushed to my side. “I can do this later, let me get you to some music and some rest.” She took my arm and lead me through the maze of rooms that I seemed to have gone further into, rather than actually getting closer to the circular area.

As we winded through the huts and tents and whatever, into hers, I noticed everything looked rather normal. People I had seen before but wasn’t sure if I saw live or die in that event were walking around like everything was the same as any time prior.

“What day is this?” I asked, knowing it was Tuesday when all of that happened.

“Friday, didn’t you know?” she asked looking even more worried.  “Why do you look coated in thin glass? What happened to you?” she asked, slowly taking all the clothes off me and laying me on the really soft mattress that she had slept on herself.

“I think I need sleep,” I said. I clearly remember seeing her innards come out of her back stuck to part of a spear, and the life leaving her face as her body collapsed. I remember hearing more ambient and less noise filled waves of music as I fell back asleep.

then my alarm went off and I had to get up for work. 

I keep thinking about all of this in various chunks and I hope this gets it out of my head.

Stays the Same

I’ve been pondering off and on for years. How do I present my everything? My writing, my music, my art of various forms. Some people have voiced appreciation for the totally open dumping of everything personal. Others have voiced concern, stating it’s no way to be a salesman. I just don’t know. I’ve been an open book my whole life.

Over the last week I dumped a few dozen hours in a few different “website builder” modules. The results ranged from unsatisfactory to just “what the fuck is this nonsense shitty website builder? nice try but shitty shitty McShitty.” After all of that, I looked back on what is here for the first time in almost 100 hours of working on website related things. The infrastructure is already here and it’s pretty well in motion.聽 There is a lot that I could and should post about various projects.

Here is a list of things in varying stages of movement forward:



A full length album is under development. Along with a second one, conceptually.

INFINITE MACHINE is under development. This will be Vent 8.
GOD IS VOID is dead, I will write a long post about the life and death of this project.
FOUR NEOPLATONIST HIEROGLYPHS is under development. Not sure if will be Vent 9, or will be released in 4 parts as 9-12.
REPETITIVE聽is under development and will be a full album under the Zero numbering system.
CAN’T SEE OUT ANYMORE is an album I’ve been putting very specific things into, probably ending up a future vent.

There is a secret page stashed in an unlinked location full of the “mixtapes” I’ve made. This has been expanded a lot more than I ever imagined it would be after the first “mixtape” I made called Livid. Livid, I believe, is fairly easy to find.



HUMAN BLOOD: I have started work on this trilogy of novels. I had a rough draft of the first book that was 46 pages. I started rewriting it, not including the several times larger amount of things that weren’t in the draft. The first four words, being detailed out to match what was in my head, turned into over 70 words. That scared me off. But after my first novel was under my belt, I knew this one would come back to the table eventually.

DESCENT TRILOGY: The second book is underway. The third book I didn’t even have in my head when writing the first one, is blowing into my head.

KRINKET: What was a various number of projects coalesced into one book. It’ll just be a huge memory dump of my entire life as best I can remember it, all the way up until I die. Probably will never be released.

SCOPE: a book about the sniper that sparked the civil war in the PONDIVERSE Descent takes place in.

INHERIT: a fantasy novel involving a man and his friend investigating a property.

LACERATION: a book that started off as me venting into a text file, and I just kept adding to it. It’s a lot more fun to write than I think it probably should be. Might not even be legal to release, honestly.



I should just take pictures of the weird thing I’m working on now. I’ll just put it like this, I made a bunch of cardboard panels connected with thin cardboard panels and I’m fucking making a mockery of whatever the fuck I think I’m doing with painting, on those panels.



I sure love photography but I really don’t know what if anything I’m going to do with the many thousands of pictures I already have.聽 There have been a few websites and subsites that have come and gone that I don’t even think I linked to anything. Just haven’t been remotely happy with anything I’ve tried with them. I think the problem is there are seriously thousands of pictures I can’t really choose between for use for whatever the hell. I don’t even know. I don’t know.


After Descent, I wanted to write two more novels immediately.


The story of how exactly the civil war mentioned in Descent started. The following will be spoilers, because I”m sure eventually it will get written. 聽But in case I die, I’m going to write the general story thought down here. 聽Since it’s all completed history in my head, and it entertains me, I figure it deserves being jotted down, at least.

A seasoned sniper retired and spent a month getting into things he never had time for before. 聽One of which being, the internet. He learned a lot about crazy shit people believe around the world, and more importantly to him, the country. In the military he had dealt with racism, being black, but when it came to it everybody was brothers. He had no clue how deep and insane it ran elsewhere.

A mix of these things he learned only fueled an ongoing discomfort with civilian life. The transition to total freedom and no longer being a support or assassination tool left him feeling like he was an action movie forever on pause. Living with static filled memories of who he was while staggering around the frail coating of civilization was leaving him emptied out.

Talking about this to connections in the military, he was introduced to the underground civilization that has a role in Descent. The first thing he thought during his introduction to them was how he could use the nearly instant transportation system running worldwide. Shortly after he learned that all human minds were open to those he was now getting to know.

More connections were made, but this time by those below with some others in the governments above. Information was shared about his fantasies about killing a lot of these “curses on america” he had found throughout the country.

He is given the chance to plan an assault on these people, killing one after another across the country, looking like they were all being taken out in a coordinated attack. The whole time, the reality being one guy was jumping around the country quickly, knocking off several a night.

The appearance of the government spending a lot of resources to coordinate attacks, killing people planning on fighting the government, as well as white supremacist and other separatist movements, is the ultimate spark of the revolution.

At this point the sniper has a field day picking off the revolutionaries during battles. 聽He is called below as the nuclear war happens, then takes part in ongoing rescue efforts, locating and picking up people who didn’t make it below. 聽One rescue attempt of which, his helicopter crashes and he’s deserted on the surface for long enough to be captured by the factions rising in power post-war. 聽Amateurs in using torture to extract information, they accidentally kill him while trying to learn where people were being evacuated to.



This story is about one of the groups who take part in the revolution from the perspective of one of the lower soldiers. It starts with seeing the fellow who becomes a soldier graduating school, and learning about his twisted perspectives. It follows him through learning about conspiracy theories that are then confirmed by people across the country being murdered by sniper attacks.

He ends up joining a militia that trains him for several weeks before other militias jave already risen up. Their militia launch various assaults on government facilities before the nuclear war happens. 聽He and a friend are the only of his group who survive the nuclear war.

He becomes a leader of one of the groups fighting for power after the war thanks to one of the few living who knows of a location of arms and tons of rations. As things settle and he becomes an unrivaled power, helicopters move in and as people try to figure out what is going on, he takes a well aimed sniper shot to the head, ending the book (guess who the sniper is.)

I have a lot less of Rise written and fleshed out than I have for Scope. But I know it all in my head, it’s just not as exciting to me as Scope.

Strange New World

When my first kid’s mother got pregnant, this is the direction the conversation went.

  1. We’re not keeping it. There’s no way. Neither of us are prepared and we both have so much we still want to do, a kid just won’t work out. And it will be terrible for the kid.
  2. We can’t give it to my mom, my mom is terrible.
  3. We can’t give it to her mom, her family is a train wreck and every day there’s some new drama craziness going on for no reason. They’re god awful with money. Three generations in one house is the worst idea ever, and adding a 4th to it along with everybody coming and going all the time? That’s a huge no go.
  4. She didn’t want to get an abortion and it’s her body, so that was ruled out AFTER we definitely ruled out giving it to either of our families.
  5. We settled on adoption.

Little did she know, I had been calling around talking to adoption agencies and figuring out what the process should be. But that didn’t matter. She spent a weekend over at her family’s main house (I say main because that’s where her mom, sister and several other people lived, with another branch of family just down the street.) From what she told me, they essentially took turns guilt tripping her into giving the kid to them. “You can’t give away blood!”

I asked if I had any say in it, if there was anything I could say short of failing at trying to take legal action? No, the decision was made. I had no say in it.

I wanted to get the kid some place that was healthy. Some place where she could have a good shot at a stable environment with a family that had their shit together. Not the same shit the mother and I had dealt with growing up. That’s the goal, isn’t it? Always wanting the best for your kid, better than you had? 聽We couldn’t give it. 聽Our families sure as fuck couldn’t give it.

So the day came, I got to cut the cord, and watched the kid go home with her parents. Why didn’t I stop it? It never changed, we didn’t want to have a kid. I sure as hell wasn’t mature enough to deal with one effectively. The mother was, but I sure wasn’t. Was it all my fault and she wanted it but wanted me and tried keeping both by giving it to her family? I don’t know. All I know is what I was told.

Either way, the following months and years were filled with weekly to daily stories of what was going on with her family. All the shit we guessed would happen while the kid was there, sure enough. they happened. All the shit that had gone on, kept going on. All the shit we saw coming, for the most part, came. And the whole time, every single time, every word, all I could think about was I had a part in a baby / toddler growing up in that fucking environment.

So I distanced more and more. The relationship started with me being distant. So I don’t know how long it took her to notice. But by the end I was on another planet. And end it did. It ended several months before the lease was up. And apparently I left her a horrible letter about I was only with her so I had a place to stay which I have absolutely no memory of. I know I was having a horrible time dealing with how to handle the kid situation. I know I resented her more and more for it every single time she told me horrible situations going on where the kid was being raised.

I wasn’t involved at all from the moment the kid was born because I refused to go in half ass. I wasn’t about to be a weekend dad. I wasn’t going to be a partial custody person. I know how shitty it is jumping back and forth between where you live and who’s in charge and what rules to follow and everything in between.聽What I chose to do was just stay away 100%. But, again, the relationship ended and we moved in opposite directions. Her in with her family and the kid (which may have been a much better thing for stability) – and me in with a work friend for a bit. And聽when I moved out, it seems like five years passed in but a moment.

I had ended up getting a car shortly after that I knew would be paid off and getting up in the 60-80k miles range about the time the kid would be turning 14. I was still keeping in touch with the mother. I told her I planned to give the car to her when it was time to get a new car. I figured I would get a new car once this one started needing a bunch of maintenance. I’ve done the whole driving while watching ahead to plan where all i can pull off if my car stops working. It’s not fun. As long as I can afford to, I’m not doing that again.

When the kid turned 13, I decided after various discussions with the mother, that I would reach out and see if she wanted to connect on social media and the like. Get to know each other. Something my dad never did for me. I’ve never met my dad, I don’t remember his name anymore besides Ed. I know he went by Ed but I believe his name was Richard? Who knows. Anyway, I know how teenage years go and how my brain is, how my mom’s brain is, how my sister’s brain is. So it is safe to say her brain is like that too. 聽And I learned later, it is.

I was going to decide for myself if I was going to follow through with giving her the car. I had a job where I could easily afford to buy a new car and make the payments. I was married to somebody else in a stable relationship. The only thing I wasn’t sure about is if the kid was remotely responsible enough to actually deserve being given a car. I wanted to establish that and make the decision for myself before I pulled the trigger.

Five or six months in, I realized I think this 13 year old is as mature as I was at 20-25. I’ve always been behind the curve on ACTING mature and being responsible. It took me moving out to start learning about actual responsibility. She seemed to be ahead of me on multiple fronts. Certainly for that age, far far ahead of me.

So I pulled the trigger. I started getting some of the mid-life work done on the car so they didn’t have to. Then the wife informed me she wanted to have a kid. Apparently at some point in the years prior, I had commented if I didn’t have a kid before I was 35, I was never going to. And I was closing in on it rapidly. 聽I still never wanted a kid. I think this earth is a fucked up place and humans are nothing but cancer, overall. And I don’t want to put any more people on this earth to have to deal with it.

I was struggling with free time as it was at that point. And a kid would slash that free time drastically down. With that I was struggling with depression, and that dramatically increased with this new stress. But I had already made the decision to get the car to my existing kid. Plus, if I was a stay at home dad, I wouldn’t really need a car as much because I wouldn’t have a job to shuttle back and forth to. She made about ten dollars more an hour than I did, so it was natural that I would be the stay at home dad since day care is so expensive that I would only make a bit more than day care would cost.

But, I did it anyway. New kid already arrived, took my car to my existing kid, everything seemed well. There’s a lot more to it, but this is why I’m writing this fresh here instead of copying and pasting the existing to cut out 3/4 of the volume (actually a lot more than that.)

I’m not very capable of censoring myself. So shit I post on social media is quite unfiltered. I don’t hold much back. And I had two facebook accounts for years. One was my personal one where I was myself. The other was my public one which work places knew about. I gave her the choice and informed her of what either were. She wanted to stay on the one where I was myself. I think that was a big mistake, in the end.

Over the previous few months before writing this post, she had reacted to some of the things i shared with comments like “STOP” and the like. I can’t even remember what the posts were about. Some of them weren’t that bad at all (by my twisted standards.)

Then one day, I was having a disagreement comparing notes on something (I honestly can’t remember the topic now) in comments with one of her friendsand after a couple dozen comments (I don’t remember how many times we had gone back and forth talking about the subject) – the daughter jumps on and comments something like “you’re a 35 year old man arguing with a 15 year old on the internet. stop.”

That pissed me off on multiple levels. So, I can only comment on something if it’s positive and not interact with anybody who disagrees? So many questions. So I talked to her in private messages (the daughter.) Among the points was my being annoyed by her telling me to stop various things for no reason at all. It didn’t go well. 聽I wasn’t pissed off, much less annoyed, much less arguing with anybody until she said that. Then i was pissed. 聽And it boiled down almost immediately to her only responding with “okay.” 聽and then when “I’m not going to argue with you about this” came out of her, I lost my shit. So you can just say shit and not talk about it? Really?

I knew I had to step away. I felt like I was nothing but a dark force in her life from the DNA level all the way to being a bad example on social media. So I blocked her until I could calm down and figure out how to be more patient with her.

Few days passed and I had been talking to her mom off and on. I was debating on how long I should chill before unblocking her and talking to her again, when my sister messaged me asking why she was unfriended by the daughter. I looked and my new kid’s account had been unfriended also. I didn’t know how to react to that. The only thing I could think was try to do damage control.

I sent her a friend request and she messaged me something about it not being healthy to come in and out of her life like this. 聽What? It’s been a few days. She had my phone number. I just blocked her on social media for a bit after a stupid fight. We talked a bit and she made it clear that no, she wasn’t interested. I could find out what’s going on with her through her mom.

I had been asking her mom how she was doing but the answers were always pretty much one sentence. 聽I liked it a hell of a lot more before when I could see what was going on in her life by all the stuff she was posting each day. It wasn’t as good as being there, but it was at least an open window in. 聽I was checking her profiles to see what was going on at least 2-3 times a day.

She had told me at one point during the argument I said “fuck you.” 聽which was not in my chat logs and I don’t believe I would have said that in those words. 聽Certainly I essentially said fuck you in other words because jumping into a conversation out of nowhere with “you’re 35 arguing with a 15 year old on the internet.” definitely deserves a fuck you. 聽Especially when there was no argument (not from my end, anyway.) She wanted me to apologize for blocking her I think? but I wouldn’t, because it was for the best so I could shut up and calm down. And I wanted her to apologize for telling me to stop posting whatever, which she claimed was her joking around (which makes no sense at all.)

So that’s it. Apparently when I disowned my own mother some years back I should have cut off contact with my half sister?? According to the daughter’s actions. It makes no sense to me. Some friends tell me to just chill and wait a few months or years and she’ll come around. Will she? I don’t know. This planet and all the huimans on it are fucked up and I have no hope at all for any of it to get better. Sure, some people live great lives and think the world is an awesome place but I envy their ability to overlook pretty much everything going on around them and around the world.

Can’t See Out Anymore

I don’t even know how to write this. I’ll paste this, and continue maybe.

Erik Smith
11 hrs 路 Instagram 路
Sometimes you have to accept a situation is fucked far beyond repair and you absolutely have to just give up. Hasta luego, I guess. 馃檨
first time taking that picture out of my wallet since i got it 10 years ago or so.

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2 Christa Smith and Catherine Schneider
Will Major
Will Major Oh?
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Erik Smith
Erik Smith Yep. My fault I’m sure the story will go. So whatever.
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Will Major
Will Major Still clueless as to what that story is, but Okie doke.
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Erik Smith
Erik Smith I’ve been told “STOP” relating to fuck around shit on “my day” several times. Was pissing me off. Then the other day I was talking to one of her friends comparing notes on whatever topic, I can’t even remember. Then ash comes in and says stop again, adding “you’re 35 arguing with a 15 year old.” .. pissed me off. Conversation didn’t go well so I blocked her so I could cool down.

Heard she unfriended my sister from a distraught sister, and figured I better add her back since I calmed down. Well, then she dropped the old “you can’t keep coming in and out of my life like this.” Card because apparently even though she still had my phone number and herself took me of her Instagram, and it was the only time in three years we had any trouble at all (that I’m aware of) … Guess that warrants such a deep cutting comment. I disagree highly that it’s accurate. But she was steadfast that nope, fuck off.

So fuck it. I tried and failed miserably.

I don’t have much of a fuse to begin with and from observing her over the last couple years I have no hope at all so fuck it. At least she got a car out of the deal.

.. oh yeah, the moment i realized it was beyond hope was when jami was talking to me for just a few messages thismorning and said “yeah. she’s still mad, give her time.”

SHE’S still mad??: yeah. fuck it. like it was my fucking fault.聽same shit in that family every single time. it’s not ever any of their fault. ever. regardless of what that side does, it’s always the other people’s faults. always.
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that’s all i’ve been thinking most of the day. 聽SHE’S still mad? 聽SHE is still mad? 聽She started the shit. She made the comment that set it off. How the fuck is SHE the one that is still mad? I don’t even know what else to say. 聽Whole thing is fucked up. I wish I could just go back 3 years ago and just keep to my fucking self and not say shit.

Now I knew what it was like at least kind of knowing what was going on with her and it felt better than i could put into words than the 13 years before that. 聽well, 10 years before that. 2 or 3 of those first years i heard all the horrors we fucking knew was going to happen if she went to her family, happening, one stupid fucking drama thing after another, after another, after another, after another. 聽shit we didn’t want to put a kid in, but clearly had.

Fuck it. 聽Going back to drinking. 聽I can feel my face right now and that’s not good.


– How Do I Care?

Your words ring hollow
Like nothing at all
Your mind looks shallow
Like a fucking cheap doll

I thought it was different
A better direction
But it isn’t pretty
A zitty complexion

I’ve been wrong before
But with things less important
I read you like a book
But I was seeing distortion

The mirror a fabrication
An image created within
How the fuck do I care?
I don’t know where to begin

I try to be positive
But find myself in fire
So how the fuck to care?
What exactly is required?

All I see is trash
Wrapped around skeletons
I want to see the flash
Endless megatons

Fuck all humanity
Even what’s inside of me
The cancer needs cut free
No one deserves to be

I used to hope
For the good I dared
Even against the ropes
Now I can’t fucking care
There’s nothing there
A dry socket
Launch the rockets
Melt the pain away

– Black At Noon

Back and forth
Glance at the screen
The mind a fire
Burning all I’ve seen

Back and forth
The sun up high
The air is still
The demons cry

Back and forth
The swing moves on
The child smiles
All hope is gone

Back and forth
To keep that joy
As hundreds die
The drones deploy

No sun I can see in the skies above
No life I can live or truth I can love
While I push my body to action for her
No shadows around as my life is a blur

All shapes are black and outlined in grey
Nothing has texture and night here as day
I wait for my pulse to stop so I can get away
My life already over but I still need to stay

Back and forth
a breeze comes through
she giggles and moves her hair aside
as i fake a smile and wait to die

– Dying Outward

the dark within
rotting up through the skin
making my heart slow down
and my mind speed up
while unable to give a fuck

i look around town, driving down
to pick up the next person
who might make me forget for a second
laughing and talking about the world
that i forget i am not interested in
while we laugh and move forward within

i try to slow the expansion
but my heart, soul, bones, all gone
no matter what i’ve done
my skin is eating away next
and i’ll finally have gone away
right in front of your eyes
and finally i’ll be over

the vibrating sounds
and deafening silence
march onward through time
as i flirt with crossing the line
from here to where there is nothing
to match my hopes and dreams
drown out these screams with explosions
disappear and leave few traces
that anyone will notice, anyway

all the things i want to complete
as my entire being gets eaten
one after another abandoned
and the rest left half finished
as i close books and bury bones
gave up on finding my way home
as dreams are realized as dreams
and reality is seen through the surface
a lie tied to a brick, at the bottom

it’s all in front of us
throughout our lives
while they point to the skies
as we’re pulled down by lies
hope drowns soon enough
and every time i give a fuck
the aids seeps in
and the destruction advances
my feet were in the water
now so far overhead
but i can’t seem to die

– Talking To The Dead

hello there
don’t fake a smile
your age shows around your eyes
i let out a deep sigh

i’m awake again.
the dream wasn’t any better
but if my heartbeat could have stopped
i could have gone to what’s next

but there you are
need to take a shower
maybe i’ll black out
crack my head open
bleed out on the floor

go grab the gun across the room
push it into your jaw, go boom
you are a cancer among the rest
departing any way would be best

just walk.
take a shovel.
you know remote desert a couple days away
just load the food to get you there
and bring your gun
let’s set out and have some fun

find a nice deep place
erase, erase, erase
don’t give them a bill, a corpse
let nature take its course
and erase, erase, erase

just leave a note
fuck you all
i hate the world
and i’m going
promise you’ll be dead this week
don’t come looking, it’s done, i’m gone

they’re all dead to me anyway
so much of the country i used to admire
may as well be swept away by fire
and maybe something better will grow
but there’s no hope to throw
in direction of unbelievable shit like that

food for the animals
let them eat well for a little while
assuming they find what’s left
after the bullets tear it apart
but it’s a start
no need to stay here
the future is clear
the end of a flushed toilet
sweeping us down the drain
into a river of piss
human life has come to this

i guess i’ll take a shower