Stays the Same

I’ve been pondering off and on for years. How do I present my everything? My writing, my music, my art of various forms. Some people have voiced appreciation for the totally open dumping of everything personal. Others have voiced concern, stating it’s no way to be a salesman. I just don’t know. I’ve been an open book my whole life.

Over the last week I dumped a few dozen hours in a few different “website builder” modules. The results ranged from unsatisfactory to just “what the fuck is this nonsense shitty website builder? nice try but shitty shitty McShitty.” After all of that, I looked back on what is here for the first time in almost 100 hours of working on website related things. The infrastructure is already here and it’s pretty well in motion.  There is a lot that I could and should post about various projects.

Here is a list of things in varying stages of movement forward:

 

Audio:

HATE ALL LISTENERS:
A full length album is under development. Along with a second one, conceptually.

SYMPHONY OF NOISE:
INFINITE MACHINE is under development. This will be Vent 8.
GOD IS VOID is dead, I will write a long post about the life and death of this project.
FOUR NEOPLATONIST HIEROGLYPHS is under development. Not sure if will be Vent 9, or will be released in 4 parts as 9-12.
REPETITIVE is under development and will be a full album under the Zero numbering system.
CAN’T SEE OUT ANYMORE is an album I’ve been putting very specific things into, probably ending up a future vent.

There is a secret page stashed in an unlinked location full of the “mixtapes” I’ve made. This has been expanded a lot more than I ever imagined it would be after the first “mixtape” I made called Livid. Livid, I believe, is fairly easy to find.

 

Text:

HUMAN BLOOD: I have started work on this trilogy of novels. I had a rough draft of the first book that was 46 pages. I started rewriting it, not including the several times larger amount of things that weren’t in the draft. The first four words, being detailed out to match what was in my head, turned into over 70 words. That scared me off. But after my first novel was under my belt, I knew this one would come back to the table eventually.

DESCENT TRILOGY: The second book is underway. The third book I didn’t even have in my head when writing the first one, is blowing into my head.

KRINKET: What was a various number of projects coalesced into one book. It’ll just be a huge memory dump of my entire life as best I can remember it, all the way up until I die. Probably will never be released.

SCOPE: a book about the sniper that sparked the civil war in the PONDIVERSE Descent takes place in.

INHERIT: a fantasy novel involving a man and his friend investigating a property.

LACERATION: a book that started off as me venting into a text file, and I just kept adding to it. It’s a lot more fun to write than I think it probably should be. Might not even be legal to release, honestly.

 

Painting:

I should just take pictures of the weird thing I’m working on now. I’ll just put it like this, I made a bunch of cardboard panels connected with thin cardboard panels and I’m fucking making a mockery of whatever the fuck I think I’m doing with painting, on those panels.

 

Other:

I sure love photography but I really don’t know what if anything I’m going to do with the many thousands of pictures I already have.  There have been a few websites and subsites that have come and gone that I don’t even think I linked to anything. Just haven’t been remotely happy with anything I’ve tried with them. I think the problem is there are seriously thousands of pictures I can’t really choose between for use for whatever the hell. I don’t even know. I don’t know.

Medication




When I was 10? 11? I was put on medication for Epilepsy. With that, they also put me on medication to attempt better control of my behavioral disorders my family and schools had been dealing with over the years.

At some point, they had tried so many combinations that weren’t working, they pulled me back into the hospital for a month to try some others. One, they sent me home because they needed a bed for a week. I went right back the next day because I was sleep walking and my mom found me in the garage. I was at or younger than 12.

After that I ended up in lockup for a few years because of a stupid decision that had a consequence my friend and I somehow didn’t foresee. While in lockup I was recreationally trashing a kitchen when I saw a door opening. I went to slam it and had not seen the arm put between the door and the frame to keep it from shutting.

Putting an arm in the door, with me being the one going off, was a safe gamble. All the staff that knew me, knew I wouldn’t hurt anybody. But, I didn’t see it. Since their wrist was terribly bruised, they had to press 3rd degree assault charges on me so their insurance would cover it.

Before I turned 17 I had worked my way out and was back home. When I turned 18 I was told I could make my own decisions and get off medication. I wanted to, to see how I handled it. I figured I had made so many advances from the lowest while I was in prison, to the highest I felt when I was quickly expanding friends in highschool.

In hindsight, that was a horrible mistake. It went well during my highs but my lows were lower than I remembered and sometimes lasted months. I dropped even further into depression after a horrible breakup (which was entirely my fault, I fully admit) just before my 19th birthday (end of 1999). While I was still trying to get through that part of my mind fighting me, at the end of 2001 it wasn’t much better. I ended up developing agoraphobia which persisted until roughly 2004.

Mid 2004 through mid 2014 was better as I was pouring myself into everything I’ve done art-related. The more projects I threw myself into and the more games I lost myself in, the better I was doing.

As 2014 moved I started panicking because I estimated there was about 50 hours of stuff I would ideally like to do each day. Even if I never slept again, clearly that left me 26 hours short. Yes, I mapped out how much time each thing would take, and how much free time I had and tried to pick things I most wanted to do, so I felt better about my to do list vs. my free time.

Then, about a month after I was getting in the swing of ignoring those which didn’t make the cut – the wife informed me she seriously wanted to have a kid.

As anyone should know, a kid = death of free time. So this essentially kicked the legs out from under everything I had built to keep me out of the morass I had been in from 1988-2004. And it has only gotten worse since.

So now I’m looking back to medication – which hopefully will start a week from tomorrow. I’ve been trying to push myself to even schedule an appointment with a psychologist.

In september of 2014 I went to my GP and he put me on a pill I can not remember the name of, but it was great. The insurance company wouldn’t fund it without me playing phone tag every month so they switched me to Effexor. Effexor was a nightmare. So in May 2015 I finally couldn’t take it anymore and researched how to pull myself off the medicine. I slowly dropped dosage by counting out the pebbles individually so I was taking 3 less per pill. Sure, it took about a month and a half to fully ween off it, but it finally worked.

I went back to trying on my own but closing in on the two year anniversary of pulling myself back off, as I said, I feel it is absolutely essential to try again.

I don’t know how many pills I’ve tried over the years but I’m hoping I can gravitate towards one that will work out.

Just wanted to slap this up for future reference. I might write up a more detailed accounting of my time jumping around group homes, psych wards and the 7 months I spent in Eldora (kiddie prison) .. It was an interesting time for me because it was essentially pushing boundaries and observing processes and humans around me.